Previously From The Banana

Previously From The Banana

Baby Upset At Ex-Landlord For Refusing To
Return Deposit For Uterus Rental

A local baby is appealing her ex-landlord's refusal to return
any of her deposit upon moving out of her uterus, inset.

A local baby is seeking legal counsel after her ex-landlord flatly refused to return any of her $500 deposit for the rental of a suburban uterus for nine months, citing- among other reasons- the superb condition she left the uterus in, never missing a monthly rental payment, and how adorable she is.

"She has no precedent to say I don't deserve my five-hundred bucks back," the baby, who hasn't been named as of press time, said in baby talk through an interpreter. "I cleaned up everything in there- you can't even see the stain from the World Series party anymore- and I'm really cute. I mean, really [expletive deleted] cute."

Complicating matters even more is the fact that the ex-landlord is also the baby's mother.

"Hey, money is money," the ex-landlord/baby's mama said when I called her late last night. "She can argue all she wants about her cuteness, and her cleanliness; there's blood everywhere in there, and I'm pretty sure that little [expletive deleted with gusto] took off with the placenta I put in there last December. And she was suppose to be out by the 14th; she didn't leave until the 20th."

Since there really isn't much more to this story, my editor-in-chief- Kristoffer Kenison- suggested I either stick this story where the sun does not shine, or I ask a law-guy about the law-stuff involved.

"'Law-guy?'" Kenison asked, tying this story around his mug and hurling it at my head. "I am seriously 'this' close to murdering you."

Public-defender William King is considering taking the case, but is first building up the facts around it.

"I never take a case unless there is a 100% possibility of victory," King said, charging me by the hour to interview him. "I'll have to take a thorough look at the uterus in question, perhaps with a camera by candlelight. I'll also have to obtain a birth certificate of the baby; if she was under 18-years of age when she signed that lease, it will be null-and-void.

"I might even take it pro-bono. She's just so [expletive never uttered, but I like using this tool] cute!"