Previously From The Banana

Previously From The Banana

News Of Conspiracy Nearly Broken To World:
Cum On Keyboard Blamed For Failure

Is there a conspiracy that lead to the deaths of (from left to right) former-President Gerald Ford, actor
Peter Boyle, ousted-Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, and the planned May-murder of Howie Mandel?

The world's most intricate and complicated conspiracy involving the recent deaths of: 38th President of the United States of America Gerald Ford; Everybody Loves Raymond co-star Peter Boyle; the execution by hanging of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein; and even the planned May 14th brutal murder by asphyxiation of TV game show host Howie Mandel was discovered and unraveled just as the calendar was hitting the year of our lord 2007, but unfortunately was lost just hours later when this reporter accidentally ejaculated onto his own keyboard, erasing all saved files of his investigation in the process.

The research- which included nearly a decade of undercover work as a janitor in the National Archives, plus a stint as an Iraqi bus boy- was lost in the matter of three seconds, just as this reporter's computer finished playing a downloaded clip of Charlie Does The Chocolate Factory. The scene- in which "Charlie Fuckit"- played by award-winning adult film actor Evan Stone- was getting blown by a gaggle of female Oompa-Boobas- completed just as I stroked myself to orgasm, ruining my story- and good tie- in the process.

Every effort was made to locate these files, but the second part of the film clip finished downloading, and by the time it was finished being watched, they were gone forever.

This reporter tried really, really hard to remember the details of the conspiracy, but there were a lot of them. There were the letter's written in ancient Sanskrit sent from a P.O. Box in Springfield, Indiana; a bloody Old Farmer's Almanac found in a discarded cowboy boot down by the Potomac River; little naked orange midgets with balls in their mouths fingering their own asses; and a bomb set to go off when a suitcase with a prime number printed on its exterior is opened by a woman making some sort of "deal."

There might have also been a connection to Al-Qaeda, but this reporter may just be remembering something he read in The New York Times at breakfast this morning.

"You son of a bitch," editor-in-chief Kristoffer Kenison said after hearing what had happened. "This was going to get us The Pulitzer [a prize for journalists.] I can't believe you whacked off onto the story of the decade! And I can't believe you owned up to it so readily not only to me, but to our thousands of readers. You really are retarded, aren't you?"

As of now, the conspiracy remains a mystery. The conspirators; free as birds. At least until The Geek Squad can come to my house, and hopefully find those files on my computer. Until then, this is one story that does not have a happy ending.

"That is the gayest ending to a news story ever," Kenison added, throwing his shoe at me.