Previously From The Banana

Previously From The Banana

Each Gay Man In Gay Relationship:
"I'm The Man In This Relationship."

Sources are reporting that divorce is imminent for this local man,
left, who has been married to the sea for almost a decade.

For the better part of a decade, 31-year-old Richard "Salty Dick" Williams has openly proclaimed his love to the one thing that he has always treasured most of all- that being the sea. He lived on it as a deck hand on a lobster boat; he worked on it as a deck hand on a lobster boat; and he would stay awake all night, just looking at it longingly, while he worked and lived as a deck hand on a lobster boat. The attraction, he soon discovered, was more then just mutual. It was mega-mutual.

After several dates to venues as varied as their late-night conversation topics- pizzerias, baseball games, strip clubs, Shakespeare in the park, etc.- and a roller coaster courtship that saw Williams nearly drowned by the sea's father, the ocean, after Williams failed to bring the sea home at curfew, their undying love was uncovered, and they agreed to never part. Never. Ever.

So when the sea agreed to take the next logical step and become Mrs. Richard Williams in that tiny chapel at the bottom of the hill on April 31st, 1998, Salty Dick was as happy as any man who has ever found true love could be. Maybe even happier.

But that dream- which ends for nearly 50% of all married couples in the United States of America- could soon come crashing to an end for Mr. and Mrs. "Salty Dick" Williams. According to sources I swear are not made up, Williams is contemplating filing for divorce from his wife of nearly nine years, and if what the sea's best friend- a small stream- says is true, the sea is ready to sign.

"This is so sad," the stream said in an off-the-record interview conducted last week. "When I was standing next to the sea at their wedding, I would have guessed that they would have been together forever. I still don't know what went wrong, but I can't believe that they may not be together any longer. It still has not sunk in, and it probably won't until I see the ring come off her hand.

"I contain dangerous amount of human and animal feces," the stream added, as a fish swam past my ankle, and then died.

While no one- other then Williams and the sea- can be certain as to what is ultimately leading to their break-up, sources are speculating that the sea's inability to produce a male heir for Williams is the leading cause, as well as rising levels of mercury in her tributaries. New laws regarding boat and fishing licenses are also being cited as possible areas of friction.

"Just what were your 'sources' for this article?" editor-in-chief Kristoffer Kenison inquired as we went to press. "Prozac and Scotch? Vicadin and Vodka? And did you actually use 'mega-mutual' because you couldn't think of a word for 'more then mutual?'

"I swear, if you were my son, I'd reverse my stance on abortion," he added, "and I'd make it mandatory."