Previously From The Banana

Previously From The Banana

Review: The Scarecrow's Alive Sucks So, So Much

St. Jemimah's Theatrical Arts Club's performance of The Scarecrow's
Alive began it's run this last weekend. It's dumb; don't go.

Before I begin this review, my editor- Kristoffer Kenison- is demanding I preface it as such: I am not a fan of theater. I think all actors in any theatrical production of any kind are lame, a drain on society, and fair-game should I have an armed cross-bow in the audience, or even on the street, or in their bedroom closet, waiting patiently for them to return from their latest performance. If cannibalism were legal- or even moral- I would have to buy a seperate freezer to store all my "actor" meat in (not to eat and enjoy; to eat in disgust, just so I could burn the poop once the digestive process is complete.) I become violently ill whenever the words: "stage;" "curtains;" and "high school production of" are used in the same conversation.

In short, I hate theater.

In long, this play did nothing to alter my feelings on the subject. The Scarecrow's Alive is not just bad; it will rank among the worst crimes ever commited against humanity, nestled between the Holocaust, Showgirls, and the Crusades. Where to even begin? The story; lame. The music; gay. Set design: hideous. The sex scenes; non-existent. And the actors; wretched little shits I wouldn't waste brake-fluid on if they were to cross the street at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

The story is basically as follows: girl has no friends; finds magic hat; puts it on scarecrow; scarecrow sings songs and dances dances; crowd stabs eyes out with rolled-up programs; scarecrow dies, only to be brought back to life by something so stupid I refuse to translate it into the written word; and finally theater critic for The Banana realizes there is no God, as no omnipresent diety would allow the planet Earth to continue to survive after such a horrific presentation of crap is presented at $7.50 a ticket.

I attempted to interview the "star" of the show- Peter "The Scarecrow" Mikkelson- but I had to be restrained by members of the Mikkelson family and an off-duty police officer from murdering him where he stood, and could only get from him that he allegedly quote: "[is] not gay."

In short, I would only recommend seeing this play if you have commited some sort of mortal sin before God and the Lord Jesus Christ, and you need to do something to punish yourself beyond human comprehension as an act of repentence. Like if you murdered a toddler, or desecrated the grave of Pope John Paul II, or raped a nun on the alter of a church.

"Um . . . wow," editor Kenison commented as we went to press. "We seem to have hit a nerve. I think it best you never review theater again. Maybe you should stick to shitty news stories, ok?

Final Grade: Out of a bunch of bananas, I give it one empty peel, crawling with ants