Previously From The Banana

Previously From The Banana

Congressional Attire Raises Republican Ire

The President George Bush and Vice President Dick
Cheney donned their required dunce caps at a recent
congressional visit.

Since taking control of Congress earlier this year the Democratic Party has made short work of pursuing some of its most popular legislative agendas- including minimum wage increases, changes to Medicare, and chastising the Bush administration for its handling of and plans for the war in Iraq. While many disagree with these proposals, most understand that this is how the process works. However a new mandate that was recently pushed through Congress is receiving cries of abuse of power and one cry of "Suck it." Though the latter cry was accredited to a misguided page and fan of professional wrestling.

Early last week both houses of Congress passed a resolution requiring that all Republican elected officials visiting Congressional buildings must wear dunce caps at all times. Perhaps an even bigger surprise than the brazen legislation was the fairly limited indignation that followed.

"I don't know what the problem is, I mean they look comfy," said Senator Edwin McCain, who mysteriously denied his position as Senator, instead claiming that he was actually a popular singer/songwriter. "I've seen pictures of the Senate Chambers. As big and open as they are, I bet it gets a bit nipply in there and those things probably keep your noggin toasty."

Even more surprising was the lack of Republican opposition. Most beltway insiders and those with common sense expected votes for the bill to be split strictly down party lines, thus meaning its ultimate failure. That, however, was not the case. In fact, only 12 Republicans did not cast votes in favor of the measure. Of those 12, nine New England legislators abstained due to familial ties to the East Coast's booming dunce cap manufacturing industry.

"You have to know when to pick your fights," said McCain, the only person interviewed for this report. "And if you don't get that microphone out of my face and let me get back to my concert, I'm going to pick one with you, right here in front of these 12,435 Bostonians." Throngs of McCain's angry constituents then cheered as this reporter was tasered, tackled and ejected from the arena.

"Right now I couldn't hate you more without resorting to physical violence, possibly gunplay," said Editor Kris Kenison. "Although I do appreciate the irony of you writing a story about mandatory dunce caps."