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KKK Encouraging Minorities To Join

The Ku Klux Klan, pictured outside their local recruitment center,
is opening their doors to minorities to help bolster their numbers.

With the overall numbers of membership in the Ku Klux Klan reaching near-record lows, the once-feared hate group is opening its yearly recruitment drive to minorities this September.

"Normally we'd take any [black], [Catholic], [person of Asian origin], or [not sure, but probably a mixture of African-American and Australian] out to the woodshed the second they come to our doors," Imperial Wizard Daryl "Big Rig" Hicks said at the recruitment center. "But dangnabit, we need people to survive. Because in the end, that's what this here KKK is all about: people. And lynching.

"Oh, and burning giant T's. "

Originally the Ku Klux Klan was comprised of strictly white, Protestant land owners. Formed when six veterans in Tennessee- bored with the routine of the "post-war South"- launched a reign of terror on the newly-freed slaves of the South, the group quickly became the most feared group in America. With membership numbers down from approximately five million in the 1920s down now to a couple of thousand men, women, and children, they are now- according to a recent Gallop poll- ranked 37th on the most Feared Groups in America list, behind groups like Buddhists (#23), Female Bodybuilders (#33), and Midgets (#36.)

When their numbers reached the lowpoint they are at now- and with it, their respect, fear, and some third thing- the members agreed with their Wizard that something must be done. That something, they decided on, is open-recruitment.

"Sure, we're known for bad-mouthin' [derogatory euphimism for people of the Jewish faith], [another word for homosexuals], and [Good Lord, can you say that in a newspaper?]," Hicks said while standing on the curb with a clipboard in his hand, "but I'm sure- once they see what the KKK can offer them, they're going to be lining up to sign on!

"Besides, hows that sayin' go? 'If they can't beat us, they'll join us!'"

The Reverand Jesse Jackson, however, disagrees.

"Ha, ha, ha," Jackson said. "'If we can't beat them?' I thought we beat them everytime they march in any town, and they get booed and harassed out of town by people of all colors."

When informed that the KKK offers full-scholarships, movie tickets, and a keg for every meeting to every member, Jackson thought about it for a moment, and then said he had to make a phone call.

"Stop, stop," editor-in-chief Kristoffer Kenison demanded. "I can't- in all good conscience- let this continue. Just end it with something so stupid that no one reading will ever possibly believe it, and then I can go home."

"I'd like to point out we're still more feared then cereal mascots (#42)," Hicks pointed out as I walked away.

"Thank you," Kenison added.